GREETINGS

My friend is a lawyer.

She is writing a subpoena.

She complains that lawyer-language is occasionally-most-of-the-time absurd.

Hm, what dost thou mean, I say.

She throws it down:

GREETINGS:
YOU ARE HEREBY COMMANDED, all and singular business and excuses being laid aside, to appear...

No, I say. This is not possible. Humans do not speak like this.

Bitch, she says. I shit you not. This is our office template.

And another day passes in which the world makes me want to pluck out my eyeball, dangle it in front of my other one, smile a little, put it back, intact, and move along.