Make It Stop…I Can’t…

Tips for Men Who Clearly Have Issues:

1. Do not show up on a date wearing khakis and a white-and-blue-striped Gap button-down shirt ca. 1992 with a black polar-fleece vest on top of that, as well as a black fedora. Any one of these items are a no-no; in combination, they are a nuclear meltdown of the most depressive order.

2. Do not immediately choose the seat near your date that allows you to face the door because you “have a price on your head.”

3. Do not order juice-heavy alcohol drinks that come with maraschino cherries. Don’t ask me why, just don’t. And don’t go up and get a straw so you can suck said green drink down faster than you already are in the hopes of alleviating your absurd nervousness, which is manifesting itself as huge gulping motions and bug-eyed responsiveness.

4. Do not, DO NOT explain that the tattoo on your shoulder is from “Star Wars” and make your date guess what it is, only to excoriate her when she's totally wrong, twice:

“It’s kind of Death-Star looking,” she ventures.
“Nope,” he says.
“Um, okay, it looks like the ball Luke bats around while his blast shield is down on the Millennium Falcon?”
“No!” he says, absurdly firmly.

And definitely, after this exchange, do not say, “God, a girl ‘Star Wars’ fan really isn’t the same as a guy ‘Star Wars’ fan.”

5. Finally, one last piece of advice before I puke: Do not admit to playing Dungeons and Dragons. EVER. And, please, God, do not admit to STILL playing it. For the love of all things holy, never, ever, please please please, do not do this.

The woman who is exposed to such horrors is instructed to head to the nearest Jewish nunnery. I'll see you there.