The Shrill Titter of Buttery Pinkness

J brought me a present from the Midwest that has me giggling all over my couch. It’s a newspaper story—specifically, a restaurant review. It’s the most purply pulp I’ve read in a while. I was ready to tear the bad, very bad, writer a new asshole on this blog, but then J pointed out that it’s a college paper, so I will demure from hurting a wee college writer.

Instead, I offer you one small example of why I love this story so much:

“It melts in your mouth with buttery pinkness,” concluded the cotton candy-polo-wearing protein fiend, after flashing a grin at girlfriend [Name Withheld] and inciting a shrill titter, briefly drowning out the Japanese pop music.
“That’s almost lurid,” said [Name Withheld], her dusty rose cardigan echoing her boyfriend’s ensemble.

Now, you can’t blame this writer for the quote uttered by said boyfriend (i.e. “buttery pinkness”), but you can assume that this writer only hangs around with people who say phrases like “buttery pinkness,” which I like envisioning: a cadre of adjective-abusing, sushi-eating, shrill-tittering kids in the local eatery, swooning under the shine of their own brilliance.

Somebody needs to take a razor to the words of writers like these. You know, shave the sentences clean.

Anyway, on the very classy “Tyra Banks Show” in the background right now is a 37-year-old woman who got pregnant by a 14-year-old boy. Here’s what she just said to illustrate her "open-mindedness":

“We should all date outside our races so we can end races.”